I have not been posting near as often as I used to and it is a little upsetting since I get so much joy from it. However one thing that I get indescribable amounts of joy from is my children and last night as I was putting my three year old to bed it hit me like a ton of bricks, she has grown up so much and so fast that I didn't even realize it. It truly hit me that my children are growing up. My son is going to second grade next year and is HUGE and every time I try to remember him as a baby it seems as if the memories move farther and farther away from me. When I stop and think about my children and when they were born it shoots a paralyzing amount of pain through me because those are times I can never get back. Times that were absolutely the most dear to me that I wish I could relive them a billion times over. I never in my life imagined that loving someone could be so painful. Not painful in a bad way but a good pain. Like the feeling that your heart is so full it could burst. Yeah, that kind of pain.
When I think about the memories that are most precious to me I think of the first time I saw an ultrasound picture of my babies and how excited I was to meet them and thinking how wonderful they were going to be and to feel them grow was such an amazing feeling. There has never been a moment in my life that has left a mark on my heart like the feeling I had when my husband handed me our babies for the first time or the first night at home with them by myself and just remembering looking at them for hours with the most permanent smile on my face or touching their baby soft skin or the smell, the smell of a newborn is forever etched in my brain. Hearing the first cries and the first outing to show them off to anyone that would look. And the horrible fear that pulsated through me every time they were sick or rushed to an emergency room. The frightening panic and anger that ran through me as I lashed out at the person who caused my child pain and a terrifying ambulance ride after an avoidable car crash just because he wanted to drive fast. The feeling of loss of control of the situation and not knowing if the most precious part of my life was going to be OK. And wanting to cause unspeakable amounts of pain to the person responsible if something had happened. At that moment you realize that your child is the most precious thing on this planet and you will happily do anything to protect them with every part of you. That is a mother. Being a mother is the most difficult and fulfilling job there is, Period! They test us, push us to our limits of insanity, wow us and fill our hearts with unmeasured amounts of love and joy.
When I became a mother it made me realize why my mother would be in hysterics when I would arrive home late after curfew or didn't call when I was out. At the time I didn't understand what the big deal was but now....now I realize it was because the one thing that she was designed to protect was out of sight and nowhere to be found until I pranced my jolly ass in the front door and in shock as to why I would be in such trouble. She was never mad, just worried and what I mistook as anger was in one word....fear. Sorry mom, I understand now :)
Mothers Day is almost here and it is a day that I really enjoy. Not just for myself but for my mother, grandmothers and every other mother out there. As I think about how fast the time is passing it makes me realize how precious time really is. How we only get such a small amount of it with these special little people and most of the time we take it for granted. Our daily struggles, stress, work, money and relationships always seem to find a way of pulling us away from what is truly the most important things that life has given us. Not the 9-5 jobs we hurry to everyday, the money that we fight over and all the other really non important things that have become so important to us all. I realized that every time I tell the kids I'm too busy to play or read a book or go to the park that I am wasting precious time. Time that I will NEVER get back and neither will my children. Things that are non important to us, mean the world to our children and always will.
I will never have to question why I was put on this earth because the moment I became a mom to my children I knew why I was here. To raise, love and cherish two of the most beautiful people ever created. They love us unconditionally with all of our faults no matter how big they are and all they want in return, is the same. For some reason I was picked to be the mom to two of the most amazing kids and going forward I make the choice not to waste any more time and I hope none of you do either. I hope all of you have a wonderful mothers day. I know I will :)
Until next time.......